Pope to Lead Vatican into Football Elite?

Richard Seamon

Pope Benedict XVI is a footy fan. His team’s Bayern Munich apparently. Apart from that, what his other footballing credentials are, I couldn’t tell you. His predecessor of course, was famous for having been a goalkeeper in his youth and for supporting Cracow. And Fulham and Barcelona and countless others. The current Holy Father hasn’t yet been quite so forthcoming with his enthusiasm but he recently said that he sees football as having a crucial role to play in the moral education of today’s youth. He told a delegation of football officials, "I’d like the game of football to be a vehicle for the education of the values of honesty, solidarity and fraternity, especially among younger generations." Nice populist move there from God’s vicar on earth. Good marketing? Not sure about that.

These would seem to be the core values that the church has been trying to instil in its congregation for the last two millennia, give or take the odd century. Perhaps they’ve realised that the traditional delivery system isn’t working any more, hence the ecclesiastical seal of approval for the beautiful game. Although I have wondered whether the Vatican actually bothered doing any research before it made the announcement. Which games were they watching, I wonder? Solidarity and fraternity I can just about understand. It’s a team game and there’s the brotherhood of fans and well, it probably ends there. All team sports, especially contact ones are surely sublimated warfare; aggression dressed up as healthy competition or an excuse to beat the crap out of each other at the every opportunity either on the pitch or more often than not, on the terraces.

The honesty aspect I just cannot understand at all. Football has to be one of the least honest and honourable games going. You’ll never hear the phrase “It’s just not football” and the never ending fair play awards don’t actually award fair play in a tournament or competition, they’re for the team who racks up the least number of cards. Granted it’s a rare occurrence but every now and then a player holds his hand up to say that he handballed in error or committed an unseen non-deliberate offence only to be met with wide scale derision by his peers, journalists and fans alike. The professional foul, feigning injury, diving, deliberately getting fouled on the edge of the box are all aspects of the game that do not sit easily with the Vatican’s ideals. And to cap it all, the announcement was made in Italy, not exactly the first country one thinks of when considering footballing probity.

That’s not the end of the story though. The Vatican is prepared to put its money where its mouth is – or more accurately, a group of Italian businessmen’s money. They have apparently taken a controlling interest in AC Ancona, one time Serie A side but demoted through a combination of poor results and bankruptcy to Serie C a couple of years ago. One story goes that alongside cheap family seating, a new code of ethics has been introduced at the club whereby players deemed to have played in an unsporting manner will be subject to a series of sanctions. No details on what these could be but let’s guess: failure to play the ball back to your opponents when they’ve got a player down is three hail Marys; diving, as above plus a catechism and headbutting the ref warrants all the above but in Latin.

This isn’t even the Vatican’s first foray into football. It’s a little known fact that they do actually have a national side. Vatican City FC is made up largely of members of the Swiss Guard and has played a couple of games. It’s also unbeaten at international level although its only international game, as far as I can find out, has been against Monaco and that ended in a 0-0 draw. That’s the Monagesque national side by the way and not AS Monaco. Neither the Vatican nor Monaco are recognised by FIFA as yet. The Vatican’s side is rather hampered by the fact that only members of the Swiss Guard are considered citizens of the Vatican State so getting enough able-bodied lads together on a Saturday to have a game is a bit of a chore for their coach. As far as I know, there are no plans to join the local Sunday League.

The real driving force for football in the city state is the Pope’s 2 IC, Tarcisio Cardinal Bertone, the Vatican’s Secretary of State. Cardinal Bertone is a football nut and in the past has even been a part-time football commentator while he served as Archbishop of Genoa. It’s been reported that he believes the Vatican could eventually field a team worthy of taking on a Serie A side. He also launched the Clericus Cup last year in Rome, a tournament for teams drawn from seminaries and the priesthood around the world which is now in its second year. Games are limited to 60 minutes duration in order to attract the older priests and it’s also a red card offence for taking the Lord’s name in vain. I’ve seen some highlights on YouTube and what struck me more than anything wasn’t the standard of play (Sunday club level), or the attitude (nice, but you’re secretly hoping it’ll kick off) but the number of women in the crowd. Novice nuns? Didn’t look like it to me. Neither did they look like Mrs Doyle.  

Cardinal Bertone has probably recognised the potential of a serious Vatican team being able to draw from the large number of talented South American and African trainee priests. Fair enough but it’s a pipedream of course, and one that’s been played down as playful enthusiasm over the past year or so. One of course wonders that should Cardinal Bertone’s dream ever be realised, whether the Vatican would be able to play the transfer market. Vatican FC could even become the national destination for players who’ve either seen the light or are finally feeling repentant following a career of raking their studs up and down their opponent’s lower legs. If they ever need a manager, Hurry Up Harry will, I’m sure, be the first to deny he’s been approached.